Stupid art. Stupid art. Stupid stupid fucked up art.

I have no inspiration. No muse. No IDEA.

Help, help, help. I'm such an idiot. I keep asking for help yet I'm not willing to divulge information on what I plan to do. Let me tell you why. Cause I keep thinking the stupid ideas I have are too shallow and mean nothing. So I don't develop further on the idea, and I can't describe much. Then I change topic yet again.

Everyone's so far ahead in their idiotic coursework. Everyone's almost done. And me? Haven't even started. Save my soul! Mr Leow's given up on me. He's hardly bitched at me this week about letting him see my work. Whereas he's still screaming around after other people cause they're less hopeless. I should've dropped art when I could. Now it's too late.

Oh well. I had the discipline mistress at me today! I was talking to Adeline on the stairs (about Denise, and her ex-national sailor status, of all things!) and Gan walked up behind me. Grief I almost died. She picked on my shoes (stuff drawn onto them) and my socks (they were hiding in my shoes), my earrings (the big holes and the extra studs) and my belt (too low, as usual).

She made me give her my name tag to look at my name properly, then said

"Ah. Nicola. I meant to look for you."
(oh not good!)

Then she asked me stuff about my phone, I guess dear mrs koh mei chin must've told her. Duh. Anyway, I told her my phone was at home since I got caught with it last time (a lie!). She made me throw away my socks and my earrings. Typical Gan thing to do. Pfft. And I gotta present myself to her tomorrow morning before assembly with nice, proper goody-two-shoes attire, the model nerd-ass PL lite. EEuw.
Oh well. In hindsight I guess I got off quite lightly. I didn't have to buy new socks, shoes OR a pinafore. I told her I had no money extra, and I guess she took pity on me. Plus she was rather ok about it all, not as nasty as she normally would be.

This reminds me of the time in secondary two when she said I looked "neat and properly attired" when I wasn't really. Heh. So does she like me?!

HAhahahah what a laugh.

Boredboredboredboredbored. Bored and it's not even midnight yet. Can't sleep. I should really stop using the internet function on my phone. How random was that. My mind can't keep straight. Bored! I keep jumping to topics. I wish I had a computer with internet access in my room. Can't sleep. School is absolutely awful. I feel like crying thinking about school. I hate it so. Can't sleep, bored. I need a new word for 'bored'.

Jim Morrison's keeping me company.

I'm depressed. So very, very depressed.

Zat thinks I'm high cause I seem all jumpy online, he thought I'd drank too much coffee first, but I'm trying to inject false cheeriness into everything cause I'm just so damn depressed.

In ten hours I'll be in the car on the way to school. NO FUCK IT. I wish I had another week of holidays left. After the week's over I'll go to school. I won't feel so depressed. All I'm asking for is another week of holidays. One week that I don't have go back to school, I'll be in the country for that one week, maybe go to a couple of gigs. That's all I want. ONE WEEK.

Argh.

Crrrrryy. I'm depressed. So very, very depressed.

Did you know that "monday blues" is a treatable syndrome? It's a real, classifiable case of depression. I guess school blues are too. So I'm a person suffering from treatable depression. I NEED MEDICATION!
I guess this is why people drink til they're so plastered they pass out. I guess this is why they turn to drugs sometimes. To get rid of this shit shit shit feeling.

I guess I can't describe it. It's something you have to experience for yourself. My head feels too light - dizzy - and my stomach feels weird. I wanna throw up. Grrrfff.

I wanna sit in a corner and cry! :(

Bronze Medallion

I am a qualified lifeguard! (well, almost)
Took the Bronze Medallion (BM) test this evening. From 5:30pm to 9pm! And then only the water works are counted. Grr. I've gotta go back next friday for my CPR test. How dumb.

We did CPR first, Jasper's and my name were the first ones the examiner called. I swear, Jasper was copying every step I did! Heh. Usually he's quite rubbish at CPR but oh well. After we were done the examiner said "ok next" so we were fine. Then everyone else gave different versions of CPR and the examiner got sick of it so he told us that he was going to return next friday for the CPR. So even though I've passed it I'll have to do it again cause it's not counted! Pfft. How retarded.

Water works were ok, very long though. Lester's a wimpy wishy washy (how's that for alliteration eh!) idiot. He brought his girlfriend along for the test, and insisted that he had to leave at 8pm for some barbecue. Blamed coach Russel Tan as Lester claimed that Russel said the test would be in the morning. But Russel said TENTATIVELY only.

Anyway, around 8 Lester started making noise, and we were barely into the water stuff. He kept wanting to postphone the exam so he could go for his stupid barbecue with his "fairy girlfriend" as Mabel called her. Hahahahahah. Finally, when we were all throughly sick of Lester, Mabel summed it up really nicely.

"You want to go then go lah!"

So he left. And we continued.

In the end, only Mabel, Jasmine, Wei Jie and I passed the water works. Not sure if Jasper passed. So the others (Kenneth, Jarad, Jasper[?]) Will only get the CPR certificate, provided they pass. And Lester, well, who cares. Ha not me.

How to make a Nicola

Ingredients: 1 part intelligence 3 parts crazyiness 3 parts beauty

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Top it off with a sprinkle of emotion and enjoy!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

someone added too much craziness into me. I think their hand slipped when they were pouring.

hello from malaysia

Helloooooo everybody. I'm using my cousin's laptop in malaysia. It's bloody hot and I've learnt that KL is jammed 24 hours a day. Chaotic. Hazy. Times like these I do appreciate the 'clean and green' little city I live in. Ah well. Rock On Singapore should be ending soon. Got an sms message from Viv, who said it was good. *crrrryyyy* ok. I will not go on anymore. :( Fraser's Hill on Monday morning. Home on Wednesday. Can't wait to get home. Oh my dad found his old classical guitar here in his house. It's about 30 years old, apparently!! Vintage! Haha if only it were a reputable brand it'd be worth quite a bit! it's "hofma" or something like that. Not worth a fart, I should think. My dad wants to go and repair it, it's missing a string, a couple tuning pegs and some other stuff. Haha if he does get it repaired I shall swap my classical guitar for it. It;s smaller, looks kinda old, and a little beat up. It's cute. ;P I miss Shaun. I miss everyone I could talk to so easily back in singapore - just a text message away. Not the case now. Wanna go homeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm such a whiny kid. Heh.

It's twelve thirty-five fucking am and THAT feeling is back again. Fag it. I should give myself a good kick in the head, tell myself to stop being such a bloody loser and piss off.

Today I dispersed the members of my family. Lucie went to Viv's place, Terry and Kaiya went to my aunt's. The house feels empty without them. No black furry thing underfoot, no green monster constantly demanding food, no little fat ball of fur to amuse me.

I want my dog and terrapin and hamster back! :(

Leaving for Malaysia tomorrow. I'll be in KL tomorrow til Sunday morning, on Sunday morning we're driving up to Fraser's Hill, leaving for home on Wednesday. I'll be home Wednesday evening, latest, I guess.

I had a lot more to say (and no, it wasn't ranting, nor whining) but now I don't know what it was. Sigh.

bye.


Petrol at a once-in-a-lifetime (well maybe not) discount of 26%. Go feed your car. Now.

I love Kaiya

I love Kaiya!



*sleeping like a baby on the way back from sentosa. Isn't he the cutest! :)

Too young to fall in love says:
HAHA I LOVE YOU

Too young to fall in love says:
i bought the deep purple album the other day

Too young to fall in love says:
the 30th anniversary one

Too young to fall in love says:
and that is SUCH A TUNE!

only anarchists are pretty says:
hahaha!

Too young to fall in love says:
its marvellous

Too young to fall in love says:
have you got highway star on yours?

only anarchists are pretty says:
yes of course!!

Too young to fall in love says:
ohhhh man

Too young to fall in love says:
i love that song

Too young t
o fall in love says:
jeeze
Too young to fall in love says:
deep purple rock

only anarchists are pretty says:
i went to their concert when they came here last year

only anarchists are pretty says:
shit, that was awesome

Too young to fall in love says:
i hate you

only anarchists are pretty says:
HAHAHA

only anarchists are pretty says:
oh even better

only anarchists are pretty says:
VIP tickets. right in the front!

Too young to fall in love says:
fuck you, understand?

only anarchists are pretty says:
*sticks out tongue*

only anarchists are pretty says:
ahh jealousy is an awful thing!

Too young to fall in love says:
i cant make up my mind whether i love or hate you

only anarchists are pretty says:
lol



YAY! discovering new Deep Purple fans every day!!! (well, ok, not really.) But it was a nice surprise to find another kindered soul. Heh. Anyway Rich you've impeccable music taste, so I shouldn't have been to surprised eh? ;)



Going to fucking malaysia on friday. friday MORNING. damn damn damn. For once I'm not raring to leave this country. I've got things on here and now, understand?!

well, this is up as a favour to Ben! haha I'm spreading the word, yes I am. Even though I can't go for so many cause I'm out of town (forced!)

Please go support The Leaven Trait! Soundclips at www.purevolume.com/theleaventrait

Why am I so fucking emo? Why do I seem so depressed all the time?

I don't get it. I've got so many things going for me, yet I feel like shit half the time.


Something must be seriously wrong with me.

Ever get this feeling that you can't describe, you can't put a finger on it, you don't know why you feel that way but you just do?
I get that sometimes.

Like a tiny, microscopic little person inside me is wailing, running around, smashing herself upon the walls of my heart, screaming, screaming to be heard. And after all the crying, after the tears have dried and can flow no more, the little person curls up in the furthermost regions of my heart and sobs. Dry, raking sobs that shudder through the little body and come out as the smallest of small sighs.
When exhaustion takes over and even the slightest breath is too much, the person, devoid of emotion, drained of everything whatsoever, drifts off peacefully into eternal sleep.

Doesn't know what she was crying for, doesn't know what she was screaming for, doesn't know why she fights or what she was ever living for.

Where are my holidays? It doesn't feel like the holidays.

The first two weeks were spent mostly at school.

I guess stuff's been planned the third week, we're going to stupid malaysia on the 17th. Back on the 22nd, a Wednesday, effectively making me lose a week, almost.

Then, on Thursday and Friday, the 23rd and 24th of June, I've got my lifeguard tests. Lifesaving 1, 2 and 3 on Thurs and the BM and CPR tests on Friday. (wish me luck.)

Poof. There goes that week. Then the weekend, and I'm back to school. Term three.

Why why why?! Where have my holidays gone?
Where ARE my holidays?
Where's the time I'm meant to have, going out, having fun with my friends etc? Hanging out, doing stupid, crazy stuff, just talking the afternoon away? I haven't been out with them at all. What's been in the way? Time? Can't find a suitable day?
Everyone has other plans.
Plans that don't include me.
I've lost contact.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. now they're leaving on a friday. FRIDAY. That means I can't even go for the fucking Freedom Gig now. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH. *cry*

:'(

urgh.

Yesterday, Leow got sick of me, Joan and Snail and our "lack of inspiration" etc etc yada yada so he sent us down in a taxi to Takashimaya to look at art books in Kinokunya. HAHA. Cool eh. But we had to endure two plus hours of him shouting at us. So not so good. heh.

The weather sucks. It's so humid and muggy, there's hardly any wind, and I get hot, sticky, cranky, irritable, depressive and moody. Urgh. No fun at all, and it's making me hate myself so, so much.

I've got a sore throat too, the lymph thinggies at the side of my neck are swollen. It hurts like a bitch to swallow yet I find myself needing to swallow so much more often.

Please save me from myself. I'm going out of my mind here. Having fits of moodiness and crankiness and I know it sucks for everyone around me, the ones whom I love most especially. I'm sorry.

"And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines"--garbage

18th June. Rock On Singapore.
Yes, the gig of the month. Seriously, it's a good gig, quite a few big-name (and good) bands playing. Sounds wonderful eh? The whole night with a bunch of friends, having fun, listening to rocking music. Ahh.

AND I CAN'T FUCKING GO.


I COULD have gone, I'm not grounded. I was so excited, so happy that I wasn't grounded, cause that meant I could go for the gig, hang out with friends etc, etc, et-fucking-c.

But I CAN'T.

And you know why? Parents moved the dates of our fraiser's hill holiday forward by two days, so we're leaving on the morning of the 18th.
FUCK
Why, why WHY couldn't we leave on the 19th morning? Or, let me stay home I don't wanna go, I never really wanted to go anyway!
I know it sounds ungrateful and shit, but I really never wanted to go. Fuck.

One of the best gigs this year, the only one I would've gone for in months, a chance to hang out with my friends (and it will be probably be THE only time I can hang out with a group this holidays)
AND I CAN'T GO.

I seriously want to cry.
Scrap that.
I have cried over it many, many times, for hours. And every time I think about it, I want to cry again.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I guess I've grown up a bit more today.
Realisation has hit me and I don't want to fight any more, I'm sick of it. It's tiring, very tiring. I've spent the last three years going against whatever's been said, and I'm not going to do so any more.

Rebel without a cause.
Sounds romantic? Far from it, trust me. It's screwed my life around the last three and a half years, and I refuse to let it do so any more. From not wanting you around, 'meddling' in my life, I've come to realise how much I need you, as much as I've tried to deny it. I've grown up a bit more today, it's time for me to stop, have a good long think about what I've done, then open up and let you into my life.

Sitting at that table listening today, I've realised that I want to do that, I want you to put your arms around me, hug me, hold me close to you and make me feel like I'm little again, way back when I was much smaller than you, when I was a little kid and nothing bad ever happened.

It's over and I apologise so, so much. No matter how many time's I say sorry, it won't be enough.